Indian Cricket team bashings

In the aftermath of the Indian team's premature ejection from the ICC Cricket World Cup 2007 in the Carribean different people have chosen different ways of venting their frustration. Being an ardent fan, this hurts a lot but here's a select few (funny) emails doing the rounds.

The Times Of India 14th Feb,2009:

India is playing in a 5 nation tournament ;the other countries being Uganda, Sudan, Papua new guinea and the mighty Bolivia (Indescript nations with no cricket teams).Today is a must win match for India against tournament favourites Bolivia for a berth in the semi finals.The winner of the tournament will fight for a place to enter the top 35 rankings in the world.

On the morning of the match ,a strategy session is being held by Greg and Rahul.This is how it goes.

Greg:Boys,this is one of the most important matches in the last three years.We have to beat Bolivia.Lets go through the batting line up and the bowling line up in this meeting.

Greg:So Sourav ,you will open right?
Sourav:I don't know.Bolivia has a pace bowler who only bowls short pitch deliveries.His pace is consistently in the range 55-60 miles /hour.I cannot handle all that pace.
Greg:Oh,thats ok.He won't dare to bowl short pitch stuff against the Indian batsman(we have such good credentials).If he does by mistake,just to make a statement to the media,get Hit Wicket and come back.Such non sense should not be tolerated.

Greg:So who will partner Sourav.
Rahul:I think Sehwag should.He looked in form in the last game against Sudan.He hit 5 fours between first slip and second slip before he caught at second slip.I think he is in the pink of his form and he should open.
Greg:Thats good.

Greg:Sachin,you will bat at four ... ok?
Sachin:I don't know.I have to go shopping at 11.That means I can't bat beyond ten overs.
Greg:Sourav and Sehwag will last till six overs.So ,you will come then.Don't worry,just play your natural game and follow your instincts.You will go by ten overs.

Greg:So Dhoni,you will keep?
Dhoni:I am not keeping.Last time ,I kept for three hours.My hair is getting spoilt of this.I have thousands of lice in my hair.As a result,the cows in my village have started snubbing me and my advances.These days,dragonflies have started staying in my hair as their food lice is there.I need a haircut ,I am not playing.
Greg:Please play just one more match,its the mightly Bolivians ,just one last one.
Dhoni:Ok.Don't do it next time.

Greg meanwhile was going through the batting averages and noticed that Dravid had the longest stay at the crease for the last 67 matches.So he asked Dravid to give a presentation in front of the team as to what motivated him so much and the secret to his concentration.
Dravid:My wife is extremely ugly.So,I try to stay as long as possible away from her.That is why I play a low risk game(In the last game,he hit 3 runs from 92 balls). If I get out,I have to go back to her.

Everyone starts applauding. What an inspirational cricketer.

Now it is time to decide on the bowling line up.

Greg:Obviously Zaheer is opening.He was brilliant last game. (Zaheer had bowled only 23 wides in the last match and he picked up three wickets.The secret to this brilliant bowling performance was a result of a mentoring session from Venkatesh Prasad.Prasad told him that to bowl from mid off and aim at Third slip.As a result, Zaheer returned with the best figures in the match.)

Greg:Offlate I have noticed that Rahul has been facing a lot of pressure and so we have decided to come up with Batting,Bowling and Fielding Captain to relieve Rahul of some of the responsibility.

Greg:I have noticed that Munaf Patel has stayed not out in the last three matches(all the other batsmen had got out by then).I admire the commitment of this lad and as a result he is the Batting Captain.

Greg:I was also going through this figure.Sourav has been involved in 177 run outs.But he himself has never got out.He values his wicket so much.I think we all need to Congratulate him on the price he sets for his wicket.Sourav,you are the RUNNING BETWEEN THE WICKETS captain.

Greg:Anil has been sitting on the bench for the last three years.He keeps taking snaps throughout the match.He is such a teamman.I think we need to recognize this loyalty.Anil,you are the Bowling Captain.

Greg:Harbhajan is the fielding captain.
Rahul:But he dropped the catch in the last match when he dived to his right to take it.
Greg:Atleast he dived in the right direction.

After this intense brainstorming session ,India looks all set to take on Bolivia.Please pray for the team's success.

PS: The tournament's main sponsor is Ghatkopar(small suburb in Bombay where I am from) Software. They have a lot of money at stake.."

Email id's of cricketers

1.LAXMAN:
available@home-only.com

2.GANGULY:
nowdays@no_use.com

3.KUMBLE:
only@test_match.com

4.SACHIN:
admitted@hospital.com

5.KAIF:
good@for_nothing.com

6.SEHWAG:
consistently@out_of_form.com

7.DRAVID:
stick@crease_like_fevicol.com

8.PATHAN:
takewickets@only_with_keyna.com

9. GREG CHAPPELL
only_experiment@noresult.com


10. Munaf Patel
only_line&length@nospeed.com


11.Harbhajan Singh
no_spinpitch@nowicket.com